Let’s talk about irrigation for a moment, meaning outdoor sprinkler systems. I’m convinced that they were spawned from satan just to torture me and make my eye twitch. If I’m ever arrested for suddenly snapping at something totally irrelevant, I guarantee, it will be irrigation that pushed me over the edge.

Fact #1: My main plumber Vince (his actual name) won’t touch them. Vince is an awesome plumber that I trust wholeheartedly. When I call him, he comes as soon as he can (and gives me an update when he’s leaving the job before mine), fixes things and is in and out of my life. When he fixes something it can survive a nuclear war, he’s awesome except that he doesn’t fix sprinkler systems and quite frankly I can’t blame him because they are evil.

Fact #2: My backup plumber does fix them but my backup plumber is a handful. In order to protect his privacy let’s call him “John.” You mention “John the plumber” in town and most people know who he is. He’s a perfectly fine plumber, he does the job and it’s mostly solid work that won’t break for a long time. The issue is him. John is an ex boxer that I feel like has been hit in the head one too many times. His craft is fine, but he forgets conversations that he had with you five minutes ago and so you have the same conversation with him at least 6-8 times when he’s there. Any job is at least 2-4 hours (but he only charges you for the job, he just likes to talk). He also has a lot of issues with his many girlfriends and which he proceeds to tell you all about. Oh and his kids, he loves his kids and will show you pictures. Also, if you are a customer he LOVES YOU. How do I know this? Whenever he sees you at the supermarket, waking your dog, etc he screams “I LOVE YOU!” So yeah, even though John fixes sprinklers he’s truly a last resort because there isn’t enough Xanax for him.  

Fact #3: I’ve literally tried every other sprinkler guy in a 10 mile radius to my knowledge. They either have ridiculous minimums, won’t show up for a small job or don’t pick up their phone. If you know if one in or around Burbank, please feel free to give me their name, if I haven’t already called them, I will! 

Fact #4: These pieces are cheap and break if you look at them dirty. Seriously though, how do they break?! Well, I know how they break; people have dogs and kids that kick them. They get sun damaged and crack. Pressure blows them out. But seriously, I’ve never seen a product that fails so often and people keep on buying it because really, what else do they do? Also, when you do buy them, you better buy double than what you need because chances are while you are fixing one, another will fail.

Fact #5: The rotating water nozzles are awesome, but it involves disassembling heads to install, people steal them and the So Cal Water Smart Rebate has a minimum of 30 which means if you are replacing just one or two heads, it’s mute. I love having the heads, but sometimes I curse ever having installed them because they create more work. 

Fact #6: Automatic controllers are great until you need to change anything, then it’s like trying to read a greek novel trying to figure it out. Also, mine just randomly resets, I’m sure that’s not an issue with all controllers, but it’s irritating. 

Fact #7: I spent 5 hours Monday fixing my system and it’s still not working properly. Everything is fixed, except now the 3rd cycle won’t turn off unless I physically cut the power supply. Is this a controller issue? Pressure gauge issue? Who knows? I’ll live with it for another six months until I can figure out what the heck is wrong with it. 

Conclusion: Irrigation is evil.